In the novel To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch tells his daughter Scout,
You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.
It’s an enduring quote because it sums up a key truth: that understanding others involves listening to them. Much like Scout herself, many children are taught by parents and teachers that they need to listen to one another. Listening is a form of respect, builds empathy and it helps us access understanding.
But when we grow up, somehow listening seems like the passive option. We prefer to talk, not listen, and grow set in our ways and our opinions. Our news is curated by our favourite sources, and our Facebook feed is made up of people that we like to listen to.
We don’t learn from others because we’re not listening.
Why listening matters
I’m not good at listening. Few of us are. It turns out that we spend between 45 and 60 percent of our time listening, but only retain about 25 percent of what we hear. It’s our most-used skill, but the one we’re worst at.
Oddly enough, most of us will be bad listeners ourselves, but appreciate people who are good listeners. Most people will have experienced how good it feels to be actively listened to, particularly when you’ve had a bad day.
But listening doesn’t just make us feel valued. It’s more.
Relationships can only exist through listening.
Listening is a profound way of connecting with others. When you listen to your family and friends, you are showing them a sign of respect. It’s an indicator that you value their thoughts – whatever they might be.
Active listening skills don’t come naturally, but they are key to build deeper connections. Simple models – like RASA (receive, appreciate, summarise and ask) – can help me be a better listener.
Of course, this gets much harder when emotions are running high on a controversial topic. Which brings me to the next important aspect of listening.
Listening can refine our own thinking.
Sometimes, we don’t listen because we don’t want our own ideas challenged. It can be out of pride or fear.
But no one ends up edified if this is how we operate. We teach children to listen to teachers and parents so they can learn new things. It holds true for adults too.
I used to get more uptight about listening to ideas I disagree with. But then I realised I’d learn something either way – either why I think the way I do, or perspectives that I needed to know. It’s here that I might even find common ground.
To move forward as a society, we need to understand what may be holding us back.
Of course, common ground isn’t always possible. Some views on life are so vile it’s hard to take them in. But for society to progress, it’s key to understand what counter-forces are holding us back – including opinions that are destructive and offensive.
Anyone who’s ever used social media knows that people with egregious opinions exist. White supremacists, racists, sexists, abusers and homophobes are just the start.
But whether they’re bizarre (like the Flat Earthers) or disturbing (like neo-Nazis), ignoring opposing views doesn’t make them go away. Shouting them down doesn’t make them go away, either. It’s only through actual engagement that we get where these ideas came from, and what makes these kinds of viewpoints crop up and thrive.
Listening doesn’t mean passivity.
Today, we conflate listening with passive endorsement. It’s not true. The point of listening is to understand, not necessarily agree.
This is controversial today. But it bears repeating that understanding someone’s position doesn’t mean you agree with it. We study Nazi Germany, not to excuse it, but to ensure it doesn’t happen again. We can do the same with other types of prejudices and deplorable views.
There’s absolutely a time to speak up. But in today’s world, we talk far more than we listen, and forget that they are two sides of the one coin. There’s no way to have a meaningful conversation, to learn and to correct without listening.
As a Native American saying goes, “No one is more deaf than the person who won’t listen.”
How to be a better listener
So what makes a good listener?
Listeners make an effort to seek out opinions that are different from my own. The internet may seem like a wide democracy with a variety of views – but the truth is, our news sources are more niche than ever. I can start making a change by reading widely and pushing myself out of my ideological comfort zone.
When engaging with opposite opinions, good listeners are mindful of their motivations. If I’m listening to argue, the value of the conversation will be diminished. The point of listening is to understand first – not just to respond.
Good listeners slow down and take time to process what’s being said. Scientifically, we think faster than someone can speak. Unless we concentrate, our minds can easily wander, and we end up talking past each other. Giving myself a few seconds to process can make a huge difference.
Finally, good listeners eliminate distractions. It can be as easy as putting my phone away, or avoiding multi-tasking while talking to someone.
Being mindful of how we listen can not only strengthen our relationships – it can make our world a better place at large. There’s a verse in the Bible:
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry… (James 1:19)
Isn’t this a society we should be aiming for?
