This is the first in a two-part reflection on forgiveness and abuse.
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“What would it take for you to forgive him?”
My minister asked me this question after I had experienced a case of sexual harassment from a fellow Christian. But it’s a question I’ve had to ask more than once in my life.
On first glance, it might seem simple: forgive, let go of bitterness, move on. But my experience of abusive behaviour has taught me that it’s not that simple.
Forgiving abuse filled me with questions. Is it right to “forgive and forget” in the face of cyclical, abusive sin? It’s not punitive, surely, to hold an abuser accountable. But was it a lack of grace? And if I chose to “forgive” and not press it further, would I put the safety of others at risk?
My questions confirmed for me how complicated forgiveness really is – especially in the case of abuse.
But they’re questions that every Christian should be asking. Today, we are facing the fallout of abuse scandals across the church, and a common thread has been the lopsided teaching of forgiveness. Forgiveness that’s equated to “forgiving and forgetting”, instead of hashing out the issues that caused the abuse. Forgiveness that’s become as a simplification and as a way of keeping the peace.
The news is full of stories where Christians have used forgiveness to pressure children to stay with their abusive parents. Wives have been told to forgive and return to their violent husbands. Sexual predators have moved onto new victims because “we’ve all fallen short of God’s glory”. And we silence victims – all out of “Christian forgiveness”.
It may seem comforting and holy to tell a person who’s hurting that they “just need to forgive”. But in a world of child abuse scandals, domestic violence and #metoo, do Christians really get what it means when they ask victims to forgive?
Forgiveness of abuse: it’s complicated
Forgiveness is a cornerstone of Christian faith. If you ask a Christian what forgiveness means to them, they’ll most likely refer to forgiving “seventy times seven”, or the Lord’s Prayer.
But, as elementary as it is, forgiveness is not simplistic or a “one size fits all”. As John Harrower writes:
We often clutch at simplistic answers,because of our own discomfort. We can suggest solutions like ‘forgiving others’ or ‘God can forgive you’ as a way of trying to bring people’s pain to an end:to jam the lid back on the box of suffering. Our forgiveness of others and God’s forgiveness of us, are two huge life-changing tools that God has given us to enable us to live in a fallen messed up world – but they are too important to use as some lid to quickly remove a mess from view.
We, as Christians, can find black-and-white answers very comforting. But a simplistic, knee-jerk understanding of forgiveness can feed misconceptions that harm people recovering from abuse and violence.
Misconception #1: You need to forgive as soon as possible.
From the parable of the Unmerciful Servant, we believe that if you refuse to forgive others, then God won’t forgive you.
But forgiving immediately gets difficult when it comes to abuse. Part of this is because it’s often a slow process for a victim to understand what happened. When I reported my sexual harassment, I continued to agonise over whether I’d done the right thing, or what even had happened.
For abuse victims, there could also be deliberate mind-games, power plays and other techniques that muddy their view. The victim’s self-image and ability to cope can have serious damage. The process of parsing this out could take weeks or months, depending on severity.
Unfortunately, Christians can easily conflate “not forgiving yet” with “unforgiveness”. Putting pressure on the victim to abandon their unforgiving spirit can become spiritual abuse. It can also lead the victim to “forgive” with words, but never fully address the underlying trauma.
That doesn’t give me a free ride to be woefully unforgiving (which is something I have been guilty of). But it does mean going through a process fully.
Misconception#2: Forgiveness means that everything goes back to the way it was before.
Another common misconception is that forgiveness means instant restoration. Anything less than this, and it’s tantamount to “unforgiveness”.
But the Bible is clear that wrongdoing has lasting consequences. Being Christ-like is key to be being Christian, which includes loving our enemies and praying for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44). But people are not always capable of full restoration or reconciliation in our imperfect world.
Christian friends of mine have forgiven an abusive parent, but they have made the decision not to allow that person in their lives. Other friends of mine have chosen to distance themselves from people who’ve habitually hurt them, knowing that the connection had led them away from God.
While restoration is always desirable, safety and shattered trust can make this impossible or unwise. We are called to unconditional forgiveness – even seventy times seven times (Matthew 18:21-22). But we are not called to unconditional relationship.
Misconception #3: Forgiveness is for the benefit of the victim.
Christians and psychologists alike can often see forgiveness as an important way of moving on and leave bitterness behind. It’s good for the victim – a so-called “therapeutic forgiveness”.
We are certainly to cultivate a forgiving spirit. But there’s a powerful argument that biblical forgiveness is not solo, but is a two-person transaction.
We see this over and over in the Bible – perhaps most famously in the Prodigal Son, who has to return (repent) to restore himself to his father (Luke 15:11-32). He isn’t forgiven because he’s sad and sorry and has hit bottom. His absolution comes from repentance.
Even when Jesus asks to “forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34), he is asking God to forgive. They weren’t forgiven until they repented.
Our own relationship with God echoes this model. God is willing to forgive everyone – and do it more than once. But we receive his forgiveness because we turn to him and commit ourselves to him so we can change.
Offering forgiveness can be an important way of moving forward on your own. But in a divine economy, forgiveness is a two-way street.
What next?
Forgiveness can’t be demanded. It mustn’t be coerced. It’s a beautiful form of restoration, but one that requires a complex understanding from every Christian.
My reflections so far have focused on what forgiveness is not. In my next article, I’ll focus on what it is, and how we as a church can learn to better understand and restore people who are caught up in abuse.
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I have had misgivings about whether to write this article, as it alludes to some of my personal dealings with abuse. My aim has been to offer general reflections that apply to a wide range of situations, but there may be some who are aware of my personal circumstances. Please maintain privacy of all parties.
I read a great book about this issue, Bold Love by Dan Allender. He puts people who hurt others into 3 categories – ordinary sinners, foolish people, and wicked people. By making these distinctions, he is able to give good, but different advice , for each category.
Dan Allender writes: “We’ve come to view love and forgiveness as little more than acting pleasantly, yielding to the will of others, and ignoring offences. But this definition doesn’t begin to approach the radically disruptive nature of genuine love as modelled by Jesus Christ”
Hi Susan, what a great quote! It absolutely captures what I was trying to convey in this article. Thanks for sharing!
CM
Cheryl, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this very fraught issue. Forgiveness is a much more complicated thing to do, particularly in view of abuse. I merrily threw myself into writing a novel about the aftermath of rape with a view to exploring what forgiveness might look like in that kind of situation. It now sits unpublished in my drive, waiting for me to figure out what on earth to do with it. The main thing I learnt is the complexity of recovery under such circumstances.
I look forward to your next article.
Thanks Susan – it’s a topic that’s sadly so relevant today, but so complicated. And I can’t speak for what rape would be like to forgive, so my own reflections are limited in that respect! All we can do is read others’ stories and learn from them.
Thank you Cheryl for writing about your experience and reflections on abuse and forgiveness, and for asking the questions you do, which helps us to think through them too.
I could identify with your opening question, “What would it take for you to forgive him?” Though the question my minister asked me, after listening to me recount my experience of sexual assault, was different, “What did you learn from it?” I felt as though he did not hear me, did not acknowledge my grief or sense of shame, but was trying to help me move on straight away. We prayed, I was on my way, and that was that. Except that was not that, and I’ve had much counselling since.
I like how you write about forgiveness needing a process. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sought to forgive someone straight away, because you’re meant to forgive, before dealing with the emotions and hurt. Then later the anger and hurt and grief become overwhelming, but I feel like, “How can I bring it up now if I’ve forgiven them?” Or in the case of abuse, “How can I report it if I’m meant to forgive them?” Forgiveness is necessary, yet so is acknowledging our pain and working through it with God and others. Forgiveness is loving, yet so is bringing someone to account for the sake of justice, stopping further harm and bringing restoration.
I think forgiveness is ultimately necessary for our own good, otherwise we carry a burden of deforming bitterness for life.. But I do wish that all forgiveness involved two people: one repenting and the other forgiving. That’s brought the most complete sense of forgiveness and healing in my experience.