There’s an adage about the internet: “Don’t read the comments.” I should probably listen to that advice more often. Unfortunately, you can bet that the comments section of any website or post will be a terrible, terrible place, a playground for disagreement, immaturity, prejudice and lots of capital letters.
What’s even more unfortunate is that Christians are often the worst offenders. At least once a week, I see situations like Christians arguing back and forth with non-Christians and Christians alike, hitting on topics like feminism or gender roles, same-sex marriage, female ordination in churches, sexual orientation, political debates, racial relations, and “my denomination is better than your denomination” type content.
What’s crazy, though, is that these arguments rarely end in anyone changing their opinion. As one writer pointed out:
It’s usually the case that the more we do something, the better we are at it. Instead … the more we do it, the worse we’re at it. Our disagreements may frequently hoarsen our voices, but they rarely sharpen our thinking, much less change our minds.
So sure, let’s talk about issues. But how we do this is important. I mean, really important. And we may not have all the answers on our own.
Disagreements can be a place of learning and edification. By going about discussions well, we can actually benefit ourselves and others.
Here are some areas we can keep in mind.
Where are we getting our news?
We may be more biased than we realise. By definition, our worldview on the internet is filtered and selected. You pick and choose your friends and pages you follow on Facebook, and you’ll see updates based on what you’re interested in, thanks to algorithms that aim to please and suppress content diversity.
With more and more people getting their news exclusively from Facebook, we can continually receive updates from pages we like and friends we enjoy and never actually engage with anyone outside that fold. We can easily be reinforced in thinking that our view of life is the correct one, the popular one, the one that most people agree with. We literally end up hearing very little that’s outside our worldview.
The World Wide Web can get awfully narrow if we only subscribe to sites that happen to be in tune with our own opinion. Inadvertently we can end up on our own planet, and we lose any reference for how someone on the other side of the fence views life.
It takes effort to read up on the other guy’s position, but you’ll learn something along the way – even if you ultimately end in disagreement.
What is our opinion based on?
Sometimes our tradition and our faith can be so intertwined that we think they’re interchangeable. But I still need to ask myself if I’m disagreeing based on the Bible, or just on my own opinion (or the opinion of other Christians around me).
In the last election, for example, I remember seeing articles on why voting for the Greens was, and was not, the Christian thing to do. Disagreements like this are not always a matter of right and wrong. Each one of us carries bias that we may not even be aware of – whether it’s from our upbringing, our culture, or other experiences. We may even simply assume that the view of all Christians around us is correct, and not do the hard work of thinking about the topic ourselves.
Wisdom can be found in lots of places: other Christians, your kids, people we disagree with – it was even from a talking donkey in one story in the Bible. To me, it’s a reminder that, in an age of outrage, the really wise thing to do is recognising we can find wisdom from sources we don’t entirely agree with.
I love the quote from Aristotle, which says: “It’s the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it.” Even if we still end in disagreement, it’s a skill to listen and consider an opinion with a critical eye. It stretches us, and it makes us understand what we believe even better.
Are we caring about the person?
I read once that “no one is converted from the pulpit”. This isn’t meant as a slight on ministers, but you can probably agree that no one gets converted from just being preached at.
Getting into heated disagreements in places like Facebook is the digital equivalent of standing in public preaching at the top of your lungs. It’s not inherently wrong necessarily, but it’s not very effective. You may mean well – a percentage of the time, it may even speak to someone who’s listening – but nine times out of ten, it changes no one’s mind.
Why? Because there’s no relationship. Even Paul, who was a hardcore guy, advised that we should gently engage and build relationships with those who don’t agree with us:
Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. (2 Timothy chapter 2, verses 23-25, NLT).
Is this what we see around us? Too often, we can forget in the heat of the argument that no one wins when I’m smugly trying to show that the other guy is stupid or ill-informed. Chances are, when we walk away, no one won, no one was edified, and both of us leave more polarized than before.
If I’m ranting and raving about my own ideas, it’s about my need to get in the last word, when I should be speaking “so that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians chapter 4 verse 29). Proving myself right isn’t important compared to graciously speaking truth. Change of mind starts with the heart.
Disagreeing well
Disagreeing well means meeting halfway in some form. As this writer said:
… to disagree well you must first understand well. You have to read deeply, listen carefully, watch closely. You need to grant your adversary moral respect; give him the intellectual benefit of doubt; have sympathy for his motives and participate empathically with his line of reasoning. And you need to allow for the possibility that you might yet be persuaded of what he has to say.
Disagreement isn’t a moment for us to show off. It should be a chance to share and connect instead of arguing past each other, and it can also be a chance for us to learn something.
Do we stop engaging with others in what we believe? No. But we need to be wise about it. Like Paul said in Ephesians, we need to speak the truth with love. If you’re arguing without listening, what good are you doing? Stating our argument is about sharing the gospel, not a forum to prove that these other guys are wrong.
When we have disagreement, here are a few questions to ask ourselves:
- Are we hearing other sides of the story, even if we don’t agree with them? (You’ll learn something new, and maybe change your position.)
- Is our disagreement based on the Bible, or our own opinion? (Read up and research.)
- Are we speaking in a way to benefit the person we’re speaking to, or to prove ourselves “right”?
It’s not about proving ourselves right. It’s about dialogue that edifies.
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An earlier version of this article was published in my column on Christian Today AU and in SPAG magazine (Sep/Nov 2017).
