When Does Self-Care Become Selfish?

There’s something that bothers me about the self-care movement.

I don’t mean the concept of self-care itself – which I fully endorse. Today, we’ve had a collective realisation that taking care of your mental, physical and emotional health is crucial to being healthy at all. In an age when we’re constantly connected, self-care combats the relentless tide that tells you that it’s not okay to say no, or to put yourself first. All very important.

What makes me pause, though, is what the self-care movement has started to become – particularly on social media. I’m thinking of examples of this:

“It’s ok to flake on people. It’s last-minute but I need to care for me. It’s important to put myself first #selfcare”

But then, you also see others saying this:

“I made the effort, and that jerk flaked on me again! I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life! Cutting you off #selfcare”

Technically, these are both self-care. Each of these people are putting themselves first. Problem is, both sides have a claim to self-care that cancels out the other. Both people can come away from the interaction thinking that the other person is selfish.

But where’s the line? If you let social media tell it, self-care is all about the “you” – concern for anyone else be damned. In a quest to cut out “negative energy”, it’s easy to justify ghosting, flakiness, harsh words and shallow relationships. If self-care and selfishness are both defined as putting yourself first, where’s the line between healthy boundaries and being a jerk?

Then it hit me. Self-care isn’t selfish. But you can practise self-care selfishly.

What self-care is not

Take the person who decides to flake on meeting with a friend. They are doing this for genuine reasons – they are anxious and exhausted. So they decide not to go out.

That’s all well and good. But how they do it matters, too.

Do they call up and tell their friend apologetically? Do they suggest another a time, showing that they value the other person? Or do they just not turn up?

Ignoring your phone when your friend needs to have a difficult conversation is easy. But maybe they need someone to put them first right now.

You may feel great if you skip that stressful meeting at work. But it could mean an awful day for your colleagues.

And that’s not even going into the issues of this brand of self-care when it’s applied to situations where you have children or others depending on you.

In other words, self-care is not:

• Deliberately disregarding others’ feelings 
• Always avoiding unpleasant situations
• Demanding things of others that we’re never willing to give back

There are always times when someone is hurt by your boundaries. But are these the norm, or the exception? Is it you, or is it them?

What self-care is

Good self-care is about healthy maintenance

It’s not just about luxurious hobbies, no matter what Instagram says. You can care for yourself in simple ways, like prayer, spending time with a loved one, meditating, going out into nature – doing something that’s good for the soul.

What this looks like varies for everyone. But the point of it is to help nourish you, so you are capable of doing what you need to do.

Good self-care is self-aware

The best kind of self-care is one that can be anticipated.

As an introvert, I know I need to make space and time to recharge by myself. I could commit to a social event every night of the week, but chances are I’d have to disappoint someone to keep my sanity.

But if I’m in tune with what I need, I can set healthy boundaries that will respect the others in my life. This knowledge also helps other people care for me better, instead of expecting them to be mind readers.

Maturity is learning how you tick, and putting it into practice.

Good self-care pays it forward

Perhaps the most profound part of self-care that’s missing today is that it’s not just about you.

I once had wellbeing described to me as a water tank. We have things that fill us up, and things that drain us. We need to recognise what those are and keep those in balance to be healthy.

But what’s the good of a water tank that never gives water to anyone?

The real difference between self-care and selfishness is what you’re motivated by. Putting yourself first is great until that’s all you do. But putting yourself first so that you can function well and give to the world is wise and necessary.

So sure, I need to ensure that I am taking care of my physical, emotional and spiritual health. But what am I doing with it?