Men, I’ve noticed many of you are keeping your distance from #MeToo.
I get it. For a while, the outpouring of stories from women was like an international sisterhood. It was a time of catharsis, for vulnerability, and to illustrate the extent of the problem through a show of solidarity. It was time for women to have the stage.
Many of you did see the problem of gender inequality for what it was (and is). Men around the world expressed surprise and grief at the thousands and thousands of women who put #MeToo on their social feeds. As an awareness piece, #MeToo surely has brought the issue out of the shadows.
But now #MeToo has been in the ether for awhile, and it’s starting to become clear that awareness isn’t enough.
Unless you are a man living under a rock, you are aware of #MeToo already. Now, we need men of the world who can step up and take action – but instead, many are on the sidelines.
Where are the men?
Some men are hostile to the movement, as you may imagine. “It’s getting so you can’t do anything any more.”
Others are more sceptical in the face of “the feminists”. “99 percent of men aren’t the animals you think they are. You’re being dramatic.”
But what’s been really dismaying is that it’s not just obstinate men who are giving #MeToo a wide berth. Even decent men – men who hate violence against women in other contexts – are keeping their distance.
Some of them are over-correcting, like the ones putting the “Pence rule” in place. Some are just keeping out of it, assuming it’s overly political, or feeling like they’ll get yelled at for asking questions.
They don’t rape or assault women. They’re not against women having equal treatment in the workplace. And they want to treat women around them right. Other than that, they’re not really sure how they can help.
Well, I’m here to tell you that you can, for one big reason.
The #MeToo movement isn’t about women – it’s about men.
As former NFL player Wade Davis commented, the Civil Rights movement wasn’t about black people, it was about getting white people to see the problem.
It’s the same with the problem of men lacking empathy for women. Women telling their stories is good, but men changing their behaviour is better. #MeToo isn’t about women – it’s about waking up men.
You don’t need to be part of a political party or faction to be part of this. If you think women don’t deserve to be terrorised and devalued, we need you too.
But it’s not just waking men up. It’s getting them to shift their attitudes and behaviours. As one man put it:
Whether you see it or not, our society has raised [men] to be women’s wolves… The game teaches men to assume that women want what we want. The game teaches women that they are supposed to want what men want. Men benefit from this, women do not, but the game is rigged to hurt everyone. The only way to end that cycle is to reject the game itself.
Now that I’m older, I understand that. I didn’t then. I’ve learned. But for every man that learns, ten more boys are coming up. The men who have learned have a responsibility to own their past and share what they have learned so that the pain of that past isn’t wasted.
It would unforgivable to hide the pain I’ve caused women simply because I was afraid that it would reflect poorly on me. It reflects just as poorly on me when shared as it would if I was the only one that knew.
This is why we need you, men, to join us to listen. Ask questions. Don’t rationalise away the experience of many thousands of women. Be strong enough to hear some tough truths.
Then, we need you to speak up for us, too. Tell your mate that what they’re doing isn’t cool. Look at the behaviours around you, and look at yourself.
At heart, here’s what women want you to know.
1) How you respond – or don’t respond – to gender equality matters.
We – collectively, as a society – are saturated with attitudes that make us look down on women. We have entire industries dedicated to women being valued only for their bodies. Our workforce can be built on the assumption that women are worth less. We tear women down in ways that we never would with men.
No, you may not be a rapist or a woman-hater. But the attitudes you carry with you, how you respond to locker room banter, and how you relate to women all matter. Your attitude doesn’t impact how you behave – it impacts those around you, women and men.
And if you think you don’t live among men who would do such a thing, think again. Thousands of women used the #MeToo hashtag. If you think you don’t know any men who’d do this, who do you think is harassing and harming these women?
2) Not all abuse is the same.
Women know there are different degrees of abuse. We’re experts on that subject.
We know that sexist jokes are not the same as rape. But they are both part of a bigger picture. As one writer for Vox put it,
… harassment and abuse exist along a spectrum. The point is not that everything on the spectrum is the same, but that it’s all the same spectrum — a range of expressions that trace to a core set of ideas, namely that women are objects, adjuncts to men, there to soothe, coddle, please, or serve men, subject to their control and abuse.
We all exist within this framework where we’re told every day that women are less valuable than men. It’s both blatant and subtle. It’s everywhere.
3) Not all masculinity is toxic.
But there is such a thing as toxic masculinity, and it can be defined like this:
Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression.
This isn’t all masculinity, and it’s not the same as being a man.
But toxic masculinity is where women usually end up suffering. It’s where women are treated like prey, conquests or property. It also contributes to society where men are shamed for being feminine.
#MeToo isn’t saying all men are toxic, but that virtually all women suffer from toxic masculinity. (And many men, too.)
4) The rules haven’t changed.
We just haven’t lived in a society where they’ve been properly observed.
5) Learn.
Ask questions and listen to understand.
Because it’s time for #MeToo to be more than a monologue. It’s time for you to hear us, learn from us, and to step up.
And we need everybody.
