I squirm when I hear about the Proverbs 31 woman.
If you’ve been in Christian circles for a while, you will have heard of her:
“A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands…”
Today, she’s become much more than just a chapter in Proverbs. In Christian shorthand, the Proverbs 31 woman is lionised as the benchmark for Christian women.
Conferences and books are named after her; Christian women try to be her, and Christian men are told to find her.
So why do I squirm?
Because I’m not like the Proverbs 31 woman, and it would take a lot to make me her.
Honestly… she makes me uncomfortable. Thanks to culture, her legacy conjures up images of cookbooks, domestic goddesses and Pinterest crafts.
None of these are me. If I am measured by that standard, I would be sorely lacking.
And it seems there are many of us perplexed by the phenomenon of the Proverbs 31 woman. As one book had it:
We’re all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, ‘The Proverbs 31 Woman’ whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading good books? Her light never goes out at night? When does she have sex? Somehow she has sanctified the shame most women live under biblical proof that yet again we don’t measure up. Is that supposed to be godly—that sense that you are a failure as a woman?
We are transfixed by this woman – but are we supposed to be? What is the Proverbs 31 woman actually?
Turns out I was completely wrong about the Proverbs 31 woman.
She is a symbol.
Reading Proverbs from start to finish helped me understand Proverbs 31 much better. It made me notice the features of Proverbs as a whole.
Proverbs is poetry
We don’t literally expect to find “hope perching in the trees” when Emily Dickinson tells us so, and we know that Juliet is not literally on fire when Romeo says she is “the sun”. Equally, Proverbs needs to be read as making a point using poetic language.
Think about how other characters like the Proverbs 31 woman appear in the book, like Lady Wisdom, Folly, and the Adulteress. “Seeking Lady Wisdom” is a metaphor for pursuing knowledge and wise counsel, particularly from scriptures. Equally, the “Adulteress” is depicted as a woman, but can represent any sin that lures the young man off his path.
Accordingly, the Proverbs 31 woman is a symbolic construct
She is responsible and competent, able to take care of herself independently. You’ll see her active, able to take care of things for herself. Her value isn’t from her hair products and fancy clothes, but from her godly character. She trusts God.
All these are bigger points that the poetry is making – and these are messages that are for men as well as women. I found myself asking, “what is this character’s strengths or weaknesses”, not focusing on being literal with the metaphors that conveyed it. That’s what poetry is for.
Does it matter that she has a home business or that she rears kids? Not specifically. What matters is her dedication and godliness in all she does. She’s a symbol, not a person.
She’s a warrior.
What’s more, Proverbs 31 is not a domestic to-do list. It’s more like a warrior’s song.
Author and blogger Rachel Held Evans was bemused by this passage like me. When she took Proverbs 31 on face value, trying to adopt each component of this “ideal woman”, she was getting desperate about how difficult it was.
Finally, she consulted an orthodox Jewish friend of hers, Ahava. Here’s an excerpt:
“So do Jewish women struggle with this passage as much as Christian women?” I asked.
Ahava seemed a bit bewildered.
“Not at all!” she said. “In my culture, Proverbs 31 is a blessing.”
Ahava repeated what I’d discovered in my research, that the first line of the Proverbs 31 poem—“a virtuous woman who can find?”—is best translated, “a woman of valour who can find?” And in fact, the structure and diction employed in the poem more closely resembles that of a heroic poem celebrating the exploits of a warrior than a domestic to-do list…
“Every week at the Sabbath table, my husband sings the Proverbs 31 poem to me,” Ahava explained. “It’s special because I know that no matter what I do or don’t do, he praises me for blessing the family with my energy and creativity. All women can do that in their own way. I bet you do as well.”
In addition, she said, “eshet chayil”—woman of valour!—is invoked as a sort of spontaneous blessing in Jewish culture, Ahava said. Think of it as the Hebrew equivalent of “you go girl,” or perhaps even better, “Carry on, Warrior.”
Evans loved this so much that she encouraged her friends and family to use “eshet chayil” (woman of valour). My favourite example is this tweet:
I got a special power in Mario Kart and my five year old turned to me and proclaimed, ‘Woman of Valour!’
This passage that felt like a millstone to Christians was like a crown to Jewish women. Rather than an unreachable benchmark, what if Proverbs 31 was a “you go girl” of everyday life?
She’s unique – and so are you.
The Proverbs 31 woman is a symbol, so I don’t have to follow her every move to be like her. But if I needed any more proof, I can just think about the other women in the Bible.
If you want the truth, there are a lot of women in Scripture who don’t fit the mould of Proverbs 31. But they were used by God anyway:
- Deborah, who took over leadership of an army from a man.
- Ruth, a widow who God stayed faithful to.
- Rahab, a prostitute whose bravery saved her family.
- Esther, who became queen and broke laws to rescue the Jews.
- Mary Magdalene, who was demon-possessed and became part of Jesus’ circle.
- The Samaritan woman at the well, who asked Jesus so many questions.
They weren’t all the same. They had strengths and weaknesses.
They’re proof that God isn’t looking for a cardboard cutout domestic goddess to fulfil his purposes.
As the same article noted:
The attributes described in Proverbs 31 are not bad. They are good, important and biblical. The problem lies in the guilt that this description inevitably places on many women within the Church. Let’s face it: We can’t measure up to this lady—and I don’t think we are meant to.
Now I can say that I can look at a godly woman like Proverbs 31 as a beautiful thing. But I don’t have to be her exact image.
Every Christian woman has her own way of being a woman of valour. And so do I.
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An earlier version of this article was published at my column on Christian Today AU.
