Why I’m Not Cutting Negative People Out Of My Life

Isn’t it ironic?

Our society has progressed – in many ways – in its understanding of vulnerability, mental health and us. We are learning, slowly, how to embrace messy emotions.

But I’ve also noticed a proliferation of memes, articles and posts that trumpet something very different. The thinking boils down to something like,

Negative people are draining you and holding you back! Stop letting them steal your positive vibes! Cut off that toxic friendship immediately!

So – while we’re clamouring over the words of Brene Brown, and we’re urging one another to ask “R U OK?” – we’re thumbing our nose at people whose vulnerability is “too negative” for us to care about.

Anybody else see a double standard?

There are times that we all need to put ourselves first.

There are situations of abuse – verbal, emotional, physical, whatever – where you need to cut ties. That’s important.

But I’m not talking about those situations.

What I am talking about is the everyday implication that negativity is a choice, a failing, and something to be avoided in others at all costs.

I’m talking about the endless advice that tells you how to how to “fire your friends”, or why you ought to drop “toxic” loved ones in 9 easy steps.

To me, it’s a step back – not a step forward – to abandon someone because “they’re not making us happy enough”. It’s making us more narcissistic, and it can be incredibly harmful for the most vulnerable of us.

Here’s why I’m not rushing to cut off “negative” people in my life.

Negativity isn’t a moral failing.

Sometimes, life does suck, and negative emotions can be a valid response.

We’re so indoctrinated with the idea that “negativity is a choice” that it’s easy to forget. People around me who you might class as “negative” are people who didn’t just decide to be negative one day. Most of them have been taught that by the sum of their experience.

So when we assume these “negative people” are just failing to think correctly, it is really patronizing. It can also exacerbate the person’s pain. And it can contribute to further bottling up and squashing down of uncomfortable feelings – something we already know can increase mental health problems.

That’s not to say that constant negativity doesn’t get wearing. But, as one writer put it,

Negativity feels draining when it questions the belief that everyone gets a happy-ever-after ending if they try hard enough. The truth is that not everyone does. And if I can’t be honest and open with that, then what kind of a life am I living?

Being negative and being abusive are two different things.

Abusive people are habitual in their abuse – it’s something that bears a level of responsibility, even intention.

Negative people, on the other hand, are known for being pessimistic, complaining, distrusting. For whatever reason, they have retreated to the safety of seeing the worst.

Negativity and abusiveness are not the same thing. What worries me most about the current conversation is that it’s heavily implied that they are.

Instead of framing a person’s negativity in context, negativity in others has become shorthand for “dragging me down”. We are told it’s an accomplishment, our right to “kick those Debbie Downers to the curb”.

It means there’s a real danger that people who are mooching off your goodwill and people who are asking for your help can be lumped in the same category, and then patronizingly labelled “energy vampires”.

And we clap each other on the back for putting ourselves first!

I’d hate to think we can believe that any person that inconveniences me for longer than I care for is worth cutting off forever. Call me crazy, but standing with someone in their darkness is the essence of relationship – isn’t it?

My point isn’t that we should assume negativity never becomes abusive or draining. My point is that the opposite – assuming all negativity is a deliberate drain – can be just as harmful.

Friendship is really important for people who are going through mental health issues.

That’s not just for the positive moral support. Social isolation can be a key trigger for causing or exacerbating mental health concerns – and it’s part of the reason why our fractured society seems to be so prone to depression.

Therapists can’t do everything, and there can be long waits between sessions. Having a strong network can help a person to get out of their own head and experience life beyond their four walls.

But that’s not going to happen if their friends abandon them because they are too down in the dumps.

(Ironically, the mental health community seems to embrace the “cut off negative people, put yourself first” mindset – and yet, this is likely to harm their community as much as anyone. After all, who can say if it’s clinical depression or just “negative vibes”?)

So, before I ever remove that “toxic” person from my life, I will think about the following:

Am I cultivating empathy?

Hey, we all feel negative sometimes. It’s not just because I felt like being negative today.

Is this about me, not about them?

Do I feel down because they are challenging the idea that they (and by extension, I) can ever achieve my “happily ever after”? Are they talking about issues that I identify in myself?

Have I had a conversation about boundaries?

Knowing your triggers will allow you to build good boundaries. Having a conversation around it can shield the other person from unnecessary hurt. (One I’ve learned the hard way.)

Our society is slowly learning how to embrace our messy emotions. Now, can we start talking about what that means to give that gift to others?